The Best and Worst Gifts for a C-Section Parent

There are as many gift guides out there for people who’ve just had c-sections as there are stitches in the cesarean scar, but I figure we could all use a laugh these days so here are my top and bottom gifts for the post-cesarean parent in your life.

1. CicaLux Energized Scar Care – CicaLux triple action scar care is one of the best gifts you can give someone who had a cesarean delivery, period. I don’t know what you used to treat your c-section scar, but I promise it wasn’t as good as CicaLux. (For the record: I used a ouija board and tree sap and it did nothing but bind me for life with an angry ghost named Calliope. Come to think of it I might have googled “scare treatment”…but I digress.) Gift the best hypertrophic scar and keloid treatment on the market and, much like me and Calliope, you’ll be bonded for life with your pal. CicaLux uses compression, infrared heat and hydration to create a super effective (and reusable!) treatment that will leave the scars in your life like a ghost pre-ouija: nearly undetectable.

2. A Skateboard – Hear me out. How funny would it be if you gave a new parent a skateboard? I had a c-section and I’ll be honest, I would laugh until my stitches popped and then maybe carry a resentment against that friend for centuries? “Who is Sheila again?” “Skate gate.” “Riiiight.” Better yet, get her this $5,000 skateboard I found on the outrageous Goop Gift Guide. They’ll think you’re a lunatic and you’ll be out $5,000. Lose, lose!

3. A Banana – Joke title; real suggestion. Families with new babies need lots of help with meals. One of the ways in which I was most grateful for help as a new mom was meal drop-off. Ask your pals for some restaurant suggestions, pick up a “take and bake” meal, and drop it off at their door. Also great: a GrubHub gift card. And particularly helpful when it comes to food is multifunctional feasts; food you can eat with one hand (while feeding your baby with the other) that also aids with constipation.The anesthetic and pain meds can bind them up so be a true friend and help them out. How about this basket of pears? Or a dried fruit and nut tray? A basket of shitake mushrooms? These incredible chocolate caramel-covered apples! Sorry, what were we talking about? Bananas.

4. Not Visiting – Surely we’re not visiting new babies in 2020, but even pre-COVID it can’t be stressed enough: brand new parents do not want to entertain you. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Even if you think you’ll be no bother as you sit quietly in the corner with your popcorn, staring teary-eyed at the new baby, you are intruding. Could it be that a Zoom call is an even bigger pain? Sure, maybe you’re the kind of parent who walked home from the hospital and plated a six course meal for your guests, and if that’s the case can I be your child, but the rest of us had a hard time putting sentences together due to sleep deprivation while we changed our bandages and the baby’s diapers, struggled to walk, attempting to shower, expressed milk, and maybe dealt with postpartum depression. Send a congratulatory text and wait for the invitation.

5. A Vibrator – This started as a joke, but now I think I might be a genius. You really have to set this one up and it has to be for the right friend. Tell them you have something coming in the mail that’s great for self-care. (See what I did there?) There’s no way they’ll see it coming. (I can’t stop.) Check out these 11 Reasons You Should Be Having More Orgasms that sync in tandem with your post-surgery/new baby body and mind. Stress relief? Check. Pain relief? Check. Brain stimulation? Check. Youthful appearance? Check. Yep, I’m a genius.

6. Self-Care Gift Basket – If a vibrator isn’t quite your friend’s speed, gift a basket with items to help them feel comfortable and cared for. You can go for a subscription service like Bump Box, or make your own. A few suggestions from my mom friends: a nice water bottle to stay hydrated, a super comfy robe or pajamas, cozy socks, dry shampoo, a back scratcher, and c-section recovery briefs from Belly Bandit will all bump the comfort level up.

7. DIY Tattoo Kit – I took a dive back into the ridiculous Goop Gift Guide for this one. (I’m not a Gooper, per se, but I can’t look away.) A DIY Tattoo Kit seems like a terrible gift idea for anyone, but especially for a new c-section parent. Yes, you’ll already be giving them CicaLux to make their scar less scary, but you might have a pal like me who will say, “I’m Getting a Tattoo to Highlight My C-Section Scar.” If that’s the case might I say your friend sounds really good looking, and this very well might be the perfect gift.

8. A Bed Rail – My sweet Jack was only about seven pounds when we came home from the hospital and still I wasn’t able to pick him up at first post surgery, so you can imagine how hard it was to get out of bed. A bed rail is yet another great suggestion from a fellow mom. (Spring for the one with the organizer pouch!)

9. Gold Dumbbells – This gift idea is so bad it can truly only be justified for the evil genius’s worst enemy. Imagine giving someone who’s had a cesarean section a set of dumbbells cast in gold costing $107,000. (Evil laugh.) Impossible to pick up, the perfect put down. Don’t take too long healing before you start losing weight, foe! I pity the foe! (Sorry.)

10. Help Without Asking For It – This is another great suggestion from a mom friend. Outside of pandemic-times and outside of the “don’t intrude” new baby window, parents need lots of help inside the home. When you come over to see the baby, why not get to work? Don’t ask what needs to be done because the answer is everything. Cesarean sections make all housework nearly if not totally impossible. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, windows, toilets…clean it all. Your friend will be grateful and there is really no gift better than being of service and asking for nothing in return.

So there you have it! The best (and worst) gifts for a new c-section parent. I hope this helps you treat a friend to some much needed TLC… Tender Loving CicaLux. Happy scar treatment to you and to all a better 2021!

Glennis McCarthy is a comedian and writer from Durango, CO who has written for Showtime and has been profiled in the NY Times despite having never gone to college. She is the creator of Gorgeous Ladies of Comedy and Dance Dance Party Party. GlennisMcCarthy.com
 
This sponsored article provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this article, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment.

I’m Getting a Tattoo to Highlight My C-Section Scar

I had my child, Jack, 5 years ago in November, and I’ve got the scar to prove it. And also the child to prove it. Had I known Cicalux existed I could have used it in those first postpartum months — up to 6 months PP for best results — to reduce the appearance of my cesarian scar. My scar would have been more delicate and attractive. She would be cast in movies and have a British accent, like cutie-little-face Carrie Mulligan. My scar would be a moneymaker.

The way my cesarian scar really looks is akin to going outside in Michigan in January: better with pants on. I’m not one to wear pants, but I’m also learning to embrace my imperfections. C-sections happen! Thankfully, Cicalux also happens. And if you’re lucky enough to be reading this while sporting a bump, you can use their groundbreaking technology that rockets silicone treatments to the next level by adding heat and pressure. (Which is also the reason I stopped wearing pants: heat and pressure.)

But I digress. Cicalux = a catwalk scar / tens across the board. 

The rest of us have two options. We can wear pants, or we can get a tattoo. (These are the only two options, sorry.)

Many women across the world have covered their less than lovely scars with flowers, butterflies, feathers, and even a very cool scene from Star Wars. And while I think covering your scar is a wonderful option for some, I would like to present the counterpart: highlighting your scar. Pretend you had Cicalux, the best linear scar treatment on the market, and draw attention to your scar with one of these brilliant tattoo ideas I’ve come up with.

And, because I love my ideas so much, if this article gets shared over 400 times I’ll let you, the reader, decide which tat I should get. Scouts’ honor.

THE HORIZONTAL SCAR

  1. How about an “Exit” sign with an arrow pointing to your scar? Conversely, perhaps you’d rather the “Parts & Service Enter Here” approach?
  2. Continue the line around your body to create a pair of tattooed underwear.
  3. Mark an “X” and sign your name.
  4. The earth! (For flat-earthers.)
  5. Hey, that scar looks like a plate! Put a pile of donuts on your scar plate!
  6. Tat a tiny person walking your tightrope scar.
  7. Big fan of Amazon? How about that Amazon smile smiling back at you forever, and ever…and ever.
  8. Three words: Kilroy Was Here.

THE VERTICAL SCAR

  1. Make your scar a pole and fly a flag at half-mast because OMG what is this world?
  2. Love karaoke? Create a mic stand, and add your favorite karaoke lyrics. (THERE’S VOMIT ON HIS SWEATER ALREADY/MOM’S SPAGHETTI)
  3. Love Mediterranean food? How about Gyro on a spit?
  4. Stick it to your enemy and put them behind bars on your stomach!
  5. A stripper on a pole!
  6. A fish on a fishing pole!
  7. The north pole!
  8. A polling place sign!
  9. Something else with a pole/poll!

The possibilities are endless. 

So it’s up to you, friends. Best option: Cicalux scar treatment. Next best: pants, I GUESS. But the most creative idea is tatting it up. So share this article a bunch, and let me know which tattoo I’m getting!

 

Glennis McCarthy is a comedian and writer from Durango, CO who has written for Showtime and has been profiled in the NY Times despite having never gone to college. She is the creator of Gorgeous Ladies of Comedy and Dance Dance Party Party. GlennisMcCarthy.com

This sponsored article provides general information and discussions about health and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this article, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment. If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment.